I am particularly enjoying my twice a week Zumba extravaganza, week by week I become more like Beyonce.. Soon i'll be getting stopped in the street and mobbed at airports and given free lattes at Starbucks and stuff.
So I thought I might go and try a new free local class. Bingo.
I turn up and through the window see only a rather large, middle aged woman with short spiky hair highlighted like a rogue badger and some guy. First thought is 'Oh no. I can't do a zumba class with a man in it. My moves aren't quite ready to be unleashed upon the penis population'.
I have a quick browse around the decrepid village hall and realise that there is no one else there. Crap.
A quick chat with the badger and the guy fills me in that it is a class that has been running for some time but the advertising done by this geezer has been a bit on the lax side (clearly he hasn't got much energy for Zumba. Pretty sure his football sessions are full to the brim) so therefore they had recently been doing the classes for disabled children instead. Right. Not quite the class for me.
Although at this point I was still the only person who had turned up so I was offered a one on one boogie with the badger. Hmmmmm.
I have been in so many awkward situations in my life and am a real awkward-phobe but I thought in my head . . . . Now is a time to tell her the truth.
"I think it might be a bit weird one on one with you". She was quite understanding so I thought I was off the hook. Until . . . . .
In comes the Latina lover. Some skinny yet voluptuous brunette chick from South America who immediately lowered my selfesteem.
'Great!' Says the badger. 'Now there are 2 of you we can get boogie-ing'. Balls.
In we go to a room probably used most of the time by a local fat fighters study group session. All I can do is stand and awkwardly sip my water as the badger strips down to her neon leggings and tight sports top. Lets just say she always supersizes her meals at the drivethru.
On goes a headset. Now let's bear in mind that my normal classes there are about 35 of us in a big room and my teachers there dont even wear headsets let alone in a room the size of a bathroom with 2 of us. Christ.
We move into position. I give the Latino lover a bit of a side eye as I take in her curves and just know that she's about to make me look like Danny DeVito doing the robot.
The music begins and away we go. Now let me paint a picture for you all. Imagine your ten year old sister, niece, neighbour, girl scout cookie deliverer (that one's for my American fans), or your local maths/violin/suduko/rubik's cube genius (that's for the Asians) Whatever, you can think of your own ethnic ten year old example.
So now imagine this girl has never danced before and is now making some dance up on the spot whilst her barbies and teddies look on. And that is what the badger is cracking out. My face clearly showed my disgust as she said 'Don't look so upset'. Well I am upset.
At this point I actually look around for a hidden camera. Surely this is a joke and I'm going to end up as some unwitting star of a crummy late night tv show. Whilst looking around I lay my eyes on the Latino lover which only upsets me more. She's all tits thrusting, hips swaying, ass pumping, hair flicking whilst I stomp about like a hippo on heat. Brilliant.
The badger gets sweatier by the second. I am yet to break a sweat 6 songs in where as at my normal classes I'm usually pretty moist. Yuck. That word is worse than the image. You're welcome.
During a few lunges she then points at the Latino and declares "Fit". Then to me she says "Not fit". Oh thanks, what a decent teacher you are to brazenly point out that I'm not quite as flexible as our South American Seniorita here. Bitch.
Let's just say that when asked if I'll be coming back next week I wasn't shy in replying "I don't think so."
